Musings from NY
I want to wake up in a city that never sleeps... It sucks being a non-native, non-connected guy in this town. I found out that the city is completely different for an attractive 20 something girl (that gave me some great leads on clubs to hit) than a mediocre 30 something guy - so, unless you are a hot babe, never take a lead from a hot babe... I'm watching people dancing at The Whiskey and there was this seductive interaction of the music pushing people around the dance floor while the light clings to them... The Whiskey in LA kicks ass all over the Whiskey in NY... The hookers in this town are not subtle... Although it might go to bed a little later than most, the city does sleep... wussies. There are unique and truly cool places in NY - go to the Cambell Apartment and have a smoke and a cocktail... Times Square is shiny but is for tourists and ultimately sucks...The seafood is better than the steaks... The Italian is pretty damn good... The Hilton is a skanky hole - don't stay here. There is a Sofitel a few blocks away and we all know that the Sofitel does not suck... Ever... Drunks are drunks everywhere... I'm 35 and I have totally uncool hair... using the word "totally" makes me uncool... Manhattan is a big place... The Ramones are nowhere to be found and neither is Lou Reed - can this really be NY?... Never come to NY without a coat and tie... Come to NY, bring Money... Stay up late, party hard, wake up and get to work...

I know you really want to be me
Today was one of those sucky days that ended on a real high note. I got my daughter an iMac for Christmas and she is just getting into it. This is the transcript from my IM with my her tonight... (Her posts with the >>>)

Rendezvous IM with First Name Giovanna Last Namebobincheck
8:24 PM
>>>i can not waite for tomoro
Do you think we will have fun?
>>>YES
What are you going to do when we are at my office?
8:25 PM
>>>I do not know
I think we will watch a movie... how about that?
>>>that sowens good
What movie do you want to see?
>>>i do not know
how about Spy Kids 2
>>>i do not have that movie
really?
>>>Ya
I guess we could buy it...
8:30 PM
>>>do you meen it
I'll try to get it for us...
>>>what if you don't sekseed
>>>riget back (she got a call from a friend)
8:35 PM
I will succeed. I'm Daddy, I always come through
>>>that's good and funny
so, do you want to bring any other movies?
8:40 PM
>>>i do not know
it's almost time for bed, are you ready for Mommy to come in?

Goobie is soo sad
She feels so bad
She is chatting with Dad
But that will end in a tad
>>>daddyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What?

8:45 PM
>>>what will we do to momro
take a nap, brush our teeth
give the dog a bath
eat cooked carrots
>>>stop it daddy
change bubbys diapers
clean your room
>>>i meen it!!!!!!!!!!!!
We can go watch the grass grow
but, if you go to bed right now and are a good girl for Mommy, we can eat snacks, watch movies and play games... deal?
>>>lfjsklfjdsigkldjviodssldjiogudlvkkldifosegieusgisjklfjgiouzirgjsdjkgjfkzjgidnjfjkuzilfjhjvndfndvnjhdhzgrnfzdndfjkgnjkdfhgldhfjkgznfdgnfmzvmndfhghdfjzgnfjhjkfngjdfhxgjfngfjgdjgrkrjil
that's not a word
8:50 PM
>>>i know that's myPOINT
So, what is your point?
>>>STOP!
OK, but only because it's time for bed
And you need to get ready to go sleepy bye
Mommy is going to start songs any minute...
Do you have your stuffies ready?
>>>good night daddy
Good night my sweetie
I love you
sleep well
>>>i love you too sleep well too
8:55 PM

First Name Giovanna Last Namebobincheck has left this chat.
You left the chat.

There aught to be a law against the self centered ass wipes
At my local 24 Hour Fitness, this guy had all his shit laid out all over the bench covering every single square inch. Me and my He says "yeah"
"Well, can I get a corner?"
"Sure"
At this point he drags his wet swim trunks all the way across the bench leaving a slimy trail of ass heated water across the bench. What a dick!

The waiting is the hardest part
Two evil little rodent sons of Saddam made someone a cool $30Mil today (that's $15 per). Can't wait until someone collects the big $25 Mil prize and turns in the Baath bastard.

Friendster?

Friendster
I was just putting up a picture of myself on that nifty site and all I can say is that it's a good thing the jpg is messed up and pixelated - it's the best picture of me out there.

Pool Daze
It was hot here today. Really hot. Africa Hot. And, since we don’t have air conditioning I took a gang of kids to the pool to cool off.

While the pool is evacuated for “adult swim”, I take them to the snack bar. You’ve been to this place – maybe not this one, but you’ve seen it at any of the millions of community pools or little league fields. Staffed by a couple of high school kids, the menu is an impressive assortment of candy and soda with some other stuff thrown in to round out the selection.

We come upon a conversation already in progress… A grown-up lady is studying the ingredients on Starburst and giving the trio of teens the business. Lines like “I can’t believe everything you sell here is so bad for you… and the quick retort, “it can’t be worse than all the other stuff that clogs your arteries out there…”

Through Extreme Air Heads, Jolly Ranchers, 3 kinds of Gummy thingies and many more, the rant continues. The teens steadily slide from the slight worry that a member (it’s a private pool) is upset to complete and utter disinterest. Finally, she picks some candy for her kids and moves on.

While this whole exchange couldn’t have taken more than 5 or 10 minutes, the look on the kids faces in line was reminiscent of perestroika era bread lines. As bad as they thought it was, they had no idea how insane and insidious this event really was.

An adult theatrically studying the ingredient lists on candy and unequivocally professing loud and long that they are indeed, “bad for you”… and demanding they stock only “healthy” alternatives… Well, no shit Sherlock! It’s candy. No one ever said it was "good for you" - as a matter of fact, the fact that it isn't "good for you" has been hammered home by every Mom since Eve...

It reminds me of a few years ago when anyone with vocal cords assumed it was their responsibility as tax paying citizens to inform me that smoking is dangerous and that I was working on killing myself with each successive puff of the fine Dominican cigars I continue to enjoy but now only in private.

After getting past the urge to laugh out loud at this buffoon I had the impending feeling that the future might hold that this societal evil which inflicts untold (and unknown) amounts of pain and suffering will also be outlawed.

Innocents will no longer be taken advantage of by the large multi-national cartels who are funding diabolical laboratories doggedly pursuing flavinoids that will render even the most obedient pre-pubescent a loose cannon on the decks of our well scrubbed nation. We must save them from themselves. We must save them from us.

New Car
There are plenty of four seat convertibles out there and I've settled on the BMW 3 series (preferably an M). That's not so bad is it? No. The problem is I drive like a complete maniac and I expect that putting me in a BMW instead of a lowly Miata will get me a lot of those really nasty comments from other drivers. If you drive a convertible you get used to watching other drivers who don't think that anyone can see them - and even though I can't hear through the glass, I can see them yelling.

T3
As unlikely as it may seem, this was one of the best sequels I've seen in a long time. And, Arnold looks pretty damn good for someone who can legitimately join AARP.

They weren't even remotely interested
I called all the local newspapers and told them that I wasn't interested in recieving their paper... 30 minutes later I called them all back and asked for the decision maker of the office... I told them I wasn't interested in recieving their paper... I called back the next night and told them that I wouldn't be interested in getting the newspaper everyday for only the price of the Sunday paper... I was upset that I couldn't mispronounce their name so I called them all Mr. Minske - it's a made up name and it worked out great until Mr Minske from the Chronicle answered... Even though I was screwed on that one, over all it felt so good that I called four long distance companies to let them know that I was very happy with the one I've got... on a roll, I called the DNC, RNC, Libertarians, and the Green Party to let them know that I had forwarded all contributions to the local ASPCA - they were still confused after I told them that I could trust every "pound dog" and not one of "them slimey damn worms" they have been trying to get me to vote for... tomorrow I'm going to call up all the self help radio shows and act completely normal... I'll let you know how it goes.

It's not my fault.
I'm in Orlando FL last week working a Trade Show and since I set-up quickly I had a night free. So, instead of curling up in the wonderful bed the Westin had provided, I decide to go out and have a drink and a cigar. Luckily for me, there is a little bar that caters to the specific kind of loser that I am. Scotch and a cigar, pretty easy stuff. Should have been in bed by 11. Well, the story I'm about to tell you is centered around this one simple phrase "It's not my fault". Read through and see if you agree.

I'm half way through the cigar when I order another drink. I start talking to the bartender and the guy next to me starts up a conversation. I'm in a good enough mood to start talking to the guy and he is pretty interesting. I'm getting to the end of the cigar and almost ready to leave when the "musical act" kicks in. These guys suck. I mean really suck. It's amazing people don't start crying they suck so bad. I'm determined to leave as soon as I finish the 'gar.

Just then, a group of 20 somethings come in and take over the bar. There were three couples and they started off by ordering something like three shots each. One of the guys gets the guitar from the screeching loon who has been terrorizing our ears and he starts singing with one of the girls. The guy is really pretty good - especially because he is making up the words to your favorite songs. Everything was about someone in the bar and it was hilarious.

OK, I say. I go and get another cigar and order another drink and settle in to watch the floor show. It's not my fault that things are finally looking pretty good and the fun is starting. Then the guy I was talking to says something like "you really like those things, don't you" and pointed to the gar. "Yes", "Well, then I'll be right back".

So, I’m enjoying my second cigar and something like my fourth scotch when a couple of things start happening.
1. I get buzzed – because of this the rest of the story is an approximation - hell the last part was too.
2. The girls that came in with funny guitar guy start dancing around making Charlies Angels poses and ordering more drinks.
3. The guy brings me a Macanudo (another gar)

This is definitely not my fault. If this confluence of events hadn’t happened, I would be safely in bed at 1:00. But, I couldn’t pass on the cigar (the guy actually left the bar to get it). The girls were drunk and dancing, and the guitar guy just started in on an Eddie Vedder impersonation.

I guess it’s important to know that in Orlando, the closing time is 2:00. If you are in a bar that doesn’t exactly feel like that is a law that needs to be followed… well, then what follows can’t really be your fault, now can it.

The guy next to me starts buying my drinks and is talking to me about what the rest of his life is going to be like. The bartender is pouring shot after shot and I’m getting drunkerer and drunkerer. Finally, the guitar guy and his crowd beat it and I realize It’s 3:00 and I need to be up at 5:30. I pay my tab ($37.80) and get out of there. I’m in my bed at 3:30 and seriously spun.

Two hours later I get up, dressed, and ready to go… yes, it’s a tough job but I did get to the golf course on time. Our round went pretty well and we were getting back to the hotel to clean up and get ready to go to the event.

I got downstairs first and saw that the hotel had a Sunday brunch and it looked really good (anything looked good at that point) and so I decided to eat there. My co-worker came down and we decided to sit at the bar and have the buffet. It turns out that it was a Champagne buffet, but I decide that iced tea is the drink of choice as I try to push a little of last night out of my system. It’s not my fault that the guy started serving really good champagne… there were three of us at the bar, Tony, Steve and Me, and we drank three bottles of champagne.

Just as we were finishing, a lady came up and started talking to Tony and soon we find out she is a musician and is going to have a show that night. I asked her who she is and she tells me “Chantal Somethingorother”. And I say “Cool, never heard of you – what kind of music?”. She says “how about I invite you all to the show and you can see for yourself”. I’m thinking “yeah, sure – right” but I give her my cell phone number anyway.

At the show, I get a call and sure enough – the passes are waiting at the door under my name. I look to Steve and say “No Shit”.

We go to the show and well, it wasn’t really my thing – kinda mellow rock that makes my skin crawl. I guess I wasn’t alone because soon Tony comes up to us and we exchange hello’s and the “I can’t believe she really is a rock star’s”. And then he says, “Hey, my good friend is the executive chef at Emril’s – wanna go to dinner?”

This part is really not my fault… We go to Emeril’s and get seated right away in the corner of the upstairs dining room. A couple of appetizers come with the regards from the chef and we are under way… several dishes later it’s dessert time and we are closing in on 1:00 in the AM.

On the way home, Steve calls his wife and I hear him start the conversation, “ Honey, it’s not my fault”…

I now have the ability to send an audio/video stream from my laptop with my wireless card - I am a traveling wireless TV station.

Just think of the possibilities people... it's "Me" wherever I go and whatever I do... tune in at 7:30 tonight when I floss. It will be riveting. I never do a good job on the back molars and you can cheer me on in the privacy of your own screen.

F.A.T.S. (Fudge All that Stuff - jeeze my Mommy might read this)

It's the all purpose arguement ender. Don't like where things are going? Just wave the hand and slide out the "F.A.T.S." - there is no response.

Harry Potter 5 - it strictly follows the structure of the last four so, big whoop.

I do like the some of the dialog and don't think it was a complete waste but won't be reading it again soon.

Damn, it's been a long time since I've published. I guess being busy has it's drawbacks.